Thursday, February 23, 2012

can we just be honest here?

because, tonight, i just feel like spillin' my guts to you goobers. Yes, you're goobers. I see you reading... I see those numbers... and you don't comment. that makes you goobers. i'll still like you. But - YOU should comment now and then.

anyway, i feel like spilling my guts. and i may be a little hormonal. and maybe it's late. maybe i'm uncharacteristically negative right at this moment. but, that's the perfect mood to be in for this post, because you have to know that this mood happens. this is part of living in a torn up house. this is part of DIY. at least for me.

before i let it all get away from me, though. I want to say a few things first and foremost...

I am seeking a thankful heart in all things. Or - at least - wanting to seek it. I am striving against the sin of discontentment... selfishness... worldliness... all that good stuff. But, I'm dust. And my gracious God knows it. I fall short daily, but I want a thankful heart. One of the first things I know I need to do when the "house grumblies" start to get the best of me is to STOP and thank God... because I have already been given so much more than I need or deserve.

But, it's a struggle. And that's all I want to be upfront about tonight. It's a struggle living in an extended DIY project. It's hard for me to have parts of our home torn up 24/7 - three hundred and sixty five days a year. For nearly 3 straight years now, some part of the house has literally been all torn up. That's hard. And I'm a baby about it sometimes.

Sometimes the wires poking out of the walls or the drywall patches or the bare walls or the circular saw in the middle of the room just get to me. Sometimes, even though I struggle against it, it gets the better of me and I slip into a house funk.

it seems like we're never going to finish.

it seems like we were RIDICULOUS to start.

it seems like we live in a pit.

it seems like we're wasting time in some of the most crucial years of our parenting.

it seems like a bad bad bad house.


And I just wanted to tell you that. In case you thought I'm always so motivated. In case you thought it was all fun and games. In case you thought it wasn't a big deal. Because it is a big deal. And maybe we were ridiculous to take this on.

Sometimes I think a better name for the blog would've been Pandora's Box.

Or Molasses in January.

I like that one.

I am hoping... really hoping... that in a few years, I can look back at this post and remember how it felt, but also be glad that I'm not feeling it anymore. How long will it take to not feel like this? To not have these days? These weeks? I'm trusting that time will come. Looking forward.

It will come. It's painfully slow sometimes... and even slower because of choices we're making... about our time... our money. But, it will come. We will look back and barely remember when there were doors with no trim around them or master bathrooms with sparkly toilet seats. I think.

I'm striving to be thankful. I'm striving for a thankful, peaceful heart... seeking to strive while also resting in Christ... that's tricky. I don't need any of this stuff... striving to not let worldliness grab hold of me... to not glorify worthless things.

But wanting a home and not just a remodel project.

So, there you go. I'm typing all of that out and I'm not going to edit it. Consider it a true journal entry and I'm throwing it out there for anyone and everyone to read. Because maybe it helps to read it... to know that you aren't alone. Remodeling a house while you're living in it can feel like a hamster wheel. Like one step forward, two steps back.

But, tomorrow my plan is to clean the house. I always feel better when I get the house really clean and when i can organize something. And I get to have a mama night this week... I haven't been able to recently because i was making stuff for the star wars party instead of having restful, creative time. i'll make something pretty for the house. that will help.

a clean house.

something pretty.

I've been blessed with so much! It's absurd that I should grumble about dated, brown paneling when I've been chosen by the Creator of the universe and cherished as His precious possession! Absurd!

So, I keep speaking truth to myself.

Keep struggling. Fighting, I hope, the good fight.

But, I just wanted to tell you it's hard. And now I think that's sufficiently clear :)

And my next post will be happier.


Renae said...

Jacci, Jacci, Jacci,
Tomorrow (perhaps over the weekend), when my camera battery is charged back up, i'll send you some pictures. You'll see you're not alone. That the subfloor in my laundry room is rotten and every time I vacuum, the holes get a little bit bigger. That i've been living with side moldings on EVERY. SINGLE. DOOR. in my house for more than a year and a half. That I don't have baseboards in 90% of the main living area. That the kitchen, while nearly done, doesn't have grout on the tiles. That the built in my husband built has primer on the base portion of it but nothing on the column. That not only are the stairs to the basement without any kind of floor covering, but that they are COVERED with dust and gunk and other unmentionables. It's gross. And yet I trudge up and down them daily and ignore it. My boys don't have closet doors. Our dog has chewed the corner off of our 8x11 area rug. It was expensive. And now it's ruined. Nevermind the messes. The piles on the kitchen counter, the toothpaste ALL OVER the bathroom, the underwear strewn about. Honestly, it really is enough to make me completely bonkers. So you are NOT alone. And you're NOT alone in feeling like you're doing something less than what you should be. But this is life and we are human. God loves us no matter what. Just the fact that you're acknowledging any shortcomings means that He lives inside of you and he uses you for such good. I believe you have what you have because He wants you to. What you do with your home and your family is a testament to the good person that you are. Admittedly I know you only from your blog, but I feel like we have so much in common. I fail in so many areas that I am embarassed to admit my shortcomings even to myself. But I pray and I try and I pray some more and every once in a while I'm reminded that i'm okay. And I want you to know the same. Hope this helps a's a big virtual hug! Hang in there. Can't wait to see something beautiful!!

~Jess said...

I feel your pain...both on the commenter front and the renovations. It took us a year to renovate a bathroom...and it's now been 2 years since we started and the little things still aren't done. We're looking to do a major kitchen renovation in the next year and I am really not looking forward to it.

Beth said...

OH, I so feel you pain. We have been in our house 5 years and we have so many half completed projects it drives me crazy. So I'm going to try and learn how to do some of these projects on my own. I love my husband and he has limited time at home with the kids so I hate to tie up his time with house hold projects so I've started pulling out the 20 year old azealas that where not looking good and am painting the house. I'm hoping to tackle an unfinshed window seat soon. But the electrical work makes me nervous.

Deb said...

Oh my dear, you are so not alone. Our house has been in various states of disarray since we moved in 17 years ago. The bathroom(our only one) has been ripped apart three times and never completely finished. Every room has some project in limbo. God has blessed us so much that if this is the only thorn in our side it's not so bad. (I guess) It will get better. I hope!

Jacci said...

Thanks so much, guys. Your comments were so encouraging this morning... really. Some even made me teary.

Deb - that is EXACTLY what I need to hear... what I need to remember. It's what I meant when I said I didn't want to glorify the unimportant. God HAS blessed us so much and, yes, if my biggest problem is that it's taking too long to make my house beautiful... well, poor me. I WANT TO BE THANKFUL.

guys... seriously.

thank you.

Jess said...

I've been ripping my own house apart paint chip by paint chip... chunk of wood by blasted chunk of ragged wood. At least you have measurable photograph-able progress. I have hope that someday we'll complete at least part of a project around here. Anyway, you're not alone. ;)