Tuesday, March 6, 2012

but, do I ***know*** this?

Do you guys read Meg?

If you read Meg for any length of time, you love Meg. And if you read Meg and love Meg, chances are very, very good that you've come to love her family and... her home.

At least, that's how it's been for me.

Well, last week dear Megan made a big announcement. I read it. I read it again. I sat there, in front of my laptop with my mouth gaping wide open and my eyes in hazy, unblinking disbelief.

What?! How?! Why?!


I kid you not, I actually had to get up from the computer and leave the room. Why would Meg leave that house? How could she leave that house? Of course it's not my business, of course it's her life, of course I don't even know her, but how could she move????!!!

But I just had to deal with it. She was moving. Period.

Then she posted about syrup.

Off and on for the next three or four days, I would just stop and think... she's moving! And I would be a little sad. But, then I would think about her in the country, in her rental, and I would think about how fun and interesting it would be to see her make the new place home. Etcetera. I was feeling better, thinking about more pretty things to come.

Then she posted this.

And I realized some things. Some nasty, ugly things.

"we love our home but we don't want to love anything so much that we cannot leave it."

About me.

"we love our family....and that family can bond and love and grow stronger anywhere...not just this house."

"it's just a house.
this one or the farm or anywhere....it's just 'stuff' "

About my heart.

"but i am choosing in this new season of my life to focus on letting God show me the goodness of my life even without a granite countertop."

And I cried. Hard. That post made me see my heart, clinging so tightly to Meg's house. Over the next few days, realizing that I wasn't just clinging to Meg's house, but to the idea of Meg's house. I was afraid... of what might come my way. They just finished up their remodel. What was it? Seven years? And they just finished the last bathroom. What if? What if God called us to move away from our house, from this house - right after we finally finish the thing?

I realized how tightly I'm clinging to our work here. How tightly I'm clinging to the idea of this house all finished. The idea of a forever home. A forever home that I love, that I raise babies in, that grandbabies come home to. Tightly. clinging.

And it grieved me. It really grieved me. How is it, that after all these years of knowing, loving, following Christ I could still be so blindly clinging to the passing things of this short life? This earth?

God began to shake me a little. Make me see some ugly things.

Then, I suppose because Meg's move wasn't enough to really drive it home, I believe He worked out circumstances so that I also read this. And all her posts tagged with "renting". Her family moved, too. On purpose. They left the dream because they knew the dream had ensnared them. They left this...

For pity's sake!

I read and I sobbed. I pored over passages like 1 John 2:15-17.

It is passing away. All of it. It will not last. I cannot take it with me.

But, worst of all, I have allowed the things of this world to dull my satisfaction in Christ Alone. I have sought happiness from Him... and things. I have delighted in Him... and things. I have mixed up Jesus and new trim and Etsy purchases as sources of delight to my heart.

Now, I am not saying we cannot enjoy all of God's gifts to us... even His earthly gifts. I'm not saying that. We can enjoy them, He wants us to enjoy them if we enjoy them rightly. I am saying that, for me, they're getting in the way right now. I'm not enjoying them in the right way. They have lost their proper place. I have been delighting too much in things which are passing away.

And I'm clinging too tightly to them. Afraid of having to let them go.

"If Jesus is not enough, something is wrong."

Found that (here). Apparently I needed yet another rock-your-world blog post.

And something is wrong. And I have to ask hard questions. About this house. About my plans. About my heart.

We aren't moving. In case you were wondering. Following Jesus doesn't mean no Christian can live in an American suburb. We believe we are where He wants us right now. But, I'm not here how He wants me. Praising Him for His blessings. Thankful for the many, many gifts we've been given. But, above all, delighting in and enjoying and finding happiness in HIMSELF... even if the blessings don't come... even if He takes them away.

Ready and willing to leave it all behind, as long as I have Him.

Our church read Radical as a small group study around 18 months ago. I didn't realize even then how much my dreams for this house and for our family were tying me up. But, confronted with just a handful of faithful blog posts, I see it more clearly now. And I'm repenting from worldliness and discontent more seriously than I think I ever have before. But, I'm still living here. Wrestling this stuff out in the middle of affluence is more than I can handle, but Christ is sufficient for these things. And He can sanctify my Target-addicted American self right here in the trenches.

So, if you know Christ, maybe you can pray for me? And if you don't... well, I'm probably confusing the daylights out of you.

Let me just say that all these pretty blogs, all these gorgeous homes, all this STUFF - it isn't going to last. And we're all going to stand before God one day... and none of it is coming with us. Not one single thing. But one thing we will need - and that's the perfection of Christ Jesus.

He stands ready to take OUR sins away and GIVE us - freely - His perfection... without sin and perfectly acceptable before God.

That is reason to rejoice. To live a life given to Him fully. To fight the good fight of faith against anything that would take our affections from Him.

He alone is worthy.


p.s. If you're going to comment, please don't say anything that glorifies me or my attitude or my thoughts - if there's anything good in any of them, it's not from me, anyway. It's Christ at work in me. So, give Him the glory.


Deb said...

Bless your dear heart. I had an ah ha moment when I read Meg's post too.

Kate said...

Thank you

Trina {Beginner Beans} said...